Are you a woke capitalist?

Messages from the archive of Rutherford Hall, critical communications strategist

WhatsApp to Stephen: How do you feel about us joining the war on woke capitalism? In general I prefer to stay clear and our client and staff roster would nudge us the other way, but I’ve had an approach from a major hedge fund guy looking for help in beginning a new counteroffensive. Could be worth a lot. 

WhatsApp to Hedgie: Hi mate, I think there could be some mileage in a checklist of companies. I’ve been sketching out a sort of “wake up and smell the coffee, snowflake” quiz to get them thinking more about their actions. Are you a capitalist or a communist? A lot of these places are just doing it for a cheap branding win, so let’s raise the price on that. Make them, “Wake up to Woke”.

WhatsApp to Stephen: Fair enough. You are probably right. Once you get drawn into this battle it can be hard to extricate yourself. Then one day you find all you’ve got left is praise from Laurence Fox and interview slots on GB News. Still, this isn’t dying down. There must be a way to make money from it!

From: Rutherford@monkwellstrategy.com

To: bcc

The Monkwell Minute: 

Woke capitalism is a live issue. And these political waters can get very choppy very quickly. 

Monkwell has been made aware of secret plans for the launch of a new and well-funded campaign to wage war on woke capitalism. As part of its mission to keep politics out of business it will be going after any businesses whose politics it doesn’t like. The plan is still top secret but we are here to help you insulate yourself from the coming conflict.

Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with being a woke capitalist as long as you meant to be. The risks lie in finding you’ve become one by accident, because you’ve got a very enthusiastic head of comms or wanted to mollify younger staff. So make sure you wake up to the woke in your own organisation. By all means embrace it, but not by accident.

Monkwell has prepared your essential Woke Capitalism survival kit. This service is available to all clients and we stand ready to offer more bespoke support if you get into difficulties. The kit includes an “Are you a Woke Capitalist?” test in which we evaluate your potential exposure to political campaigns. Unless you want to get out front with a strong stand on a social issue, you want to be scoring somewhere in the middle.

Here are a few sample questions: How worried are you about the whiteness of your staff?
a) straight white men were good enough for my father
b) bothered enough to talk about it but not enough to do anything
c) we hired someone last year
d) I’m embarrassed by our monoculturalism

Do you feel you need trans representation in your marketing and brand imagery?
a) not really
b) something subtle maybe
c) we have a young customer base
d) yeah, but only if it really winds up the terfs

How old are the people running your social media feeds?
a) 45
b) 35
c) 30
d) some 23-year-old intern who’s addicted to Love Island

Should we advertise on GB News?
a) hell yes, they are the only ones telling the truth about the vaccines and moon landings
b) only if we are selling nunchucks
c) there’s probably more effective uses of our marketing budget
d) Hope not Hate says boycott them

Mostly Ds? You are a woke capitalist. You want to lean into the arguments. That’s fine, because Piers Morgan is coming for you. So be confident that controversy will be good for your business. But remember, the warriors aren’t always in the wrong so be sure of the fight you are picking.

If you are getting Bs and Cs you are socially engaged and want to do the right thing but would prefer a walk-on part in the war to a solo charge of the battlements. We are here for you.

But bear in mind the conflict is spreading. You don’t have to have shut down Nigel Farage’s bank account to find yourself in the line of fire. It has gone beyond cancel culture to the point where warriors could pick on anything that suggests you may have deviated from Scrooge and Marley’s HR manual. Cycle-to-work schemes, unisex toilets, rainbow motifs, working from home, diversity and inclusion, climate change initiatives.

So wake up to woke. Don’t sleepwalk into a row. If you want show your allyship that’s fine, as long as you know why you are doing it and you are confident of your customers and shareholders. Woke capitalism is less risky if you don’t forget the capitalism part.

We are here to be your trusted guide. Call anytime.

Best, Rutherford.

Find me on Strava, KoM Sydenham Hill, PR London to Brighton 3h 17m

WhatsApp to Hedgie: Sorry old boy. You are doing the Lord’s work but we are going to have to pass.  

WhatsApp to Hedgie: There’s no need to take that tone. Our decision was not political. It’s strictly business. We have clients you might be attacking and potential conflicts of interests. We made a commercial decision not to get involved. We’re following the money. It’s not woke, it’s just capitalism. You should approve.