Tomb Raider — pointless hazards, gaudy production values

Does anyone want my lifetime ticket to the Tomb Raider series? Any offer will be considered. If I see this silly woman clambering through jungles once more — formerly Angelina Jolie, she is now Alicia Vikander — I’ll go stark, napalm-wielding mad. She keeps discovering cavernous tombs full of video game-style challenges and pointless, intricate hazards.

She, Vikander, keeps interfacing with daddy Dominic West, who last parented the Scandinavian actress in Testament of Youth. (Is there some back history we should know?) And the whole film has gaudy, ostentatious production values, tossed like expensive pearls into a narrative pig pen.

★★☆☆☆