Good news. We’ve got the contract for the worst idea in the world

Messages from the archive of Rutherford Hall, critical communications strategist

WhatsApp to Stephen: Yes all good here in Riyadh, though it’s driving me mad. Spending so much time on the bike I may end up in their Olympic cycle team. But I’m hopeful of another big deal soon. Right now this is the big casino and everyone in our business wants a seat at the table. One thing — I think we need a big-name figurehead to open the most exalted doors. Some ex-political leader who wants a bit more hay in the loft. Can we get David Cameron? I reckon he’s got a window in about eight months.

WhatsApp to Stephen: Good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve clinched a very big contract to help promote The Line, the futuristic, high-density smart city that’s a central feature of the Vision 2030 Neom project they are building in the desert. The bad news is that it’s the worst idea in the history of architecture. And that’s a seriously competitive field.

WhatsApp to Stephen: I know it looks cool in the videos but think about it. It’s a 170km straight-line incredibly narrow walled city — literally 200 metres wide — in the middle of nowhere with no cars and 9mn people stacked on top of each other. And it will be far more energy intensive than they admit. It’s like someone watched Blade Runner and thought, “Yes that’s the kind of place people want to live”. If it was circular, it might make sense but this Sardine Tin City is my idea of hell. You just know it was thought up by someone so senior that no one felt able to say how dumb it was. 

From: Rutherford@monkwellstrategy.com

To: Nadhmi@Vison2030.gov.sa

I cannot tell you how excited we are. The Line is the most innovative project we’ve ever worked on. The visualisation is spectacular. It’s the future of cities. Just one question that comes up in our surveys: “Why didn’t you go for a circular vision, which might create the sense of greater space?”

Best, Rutherford

Find me on Strava, KoM Sydenham Hill, PR Al Jubailah/Bawdah Loop — 51 mins

From: Rutherford@monkwellstrategy.com

To: Nadhmi@Vison2030.gov.sa

No, no, we absolutely love The Line. It’s just useful to understand the thinking so that we can head off those who are less forward looking. It would also be helpful to know the argument against a square, a grid, a triangle and a dodecahedron. We might have a slogan for you: “It’s time to walk The Line.”

Best, Rutherford

Find me on Strava, KoM Sydenham Hill, PR Al Jubailah/Bawdah Loop — 49 mins

WhatsApp to Nadhmi: Yes could make it “It’s time to Walk the Line, though the public transport options are amazing.”

WhatsApp to All@Monkwell: Hold your hats. I know many of you want to work on climate change. Well, we have landed the contract for the world’s greenest city. The Line in Saudi will be the cleanest, smartest, most AI enabled and environmentally friendly city ever built. 

WhatsApp to Susan: What do you mean “by what criteria?” It’s based on well-established metrics. Listen, we are right at the centre of the world’s leading oil producer’s effort to go green. How great is that?

WhatsApp to Susan: OK second biggest then. What’s your point? 

WhatsApp to Priya: I need some metrics to prove The Line will be the world’s greenest city. 

WhatsApp to Priya: OK then it’s time for the Monkwell green cities index. I’ll let you figure out the metrics, but find ones that put The Line top.

From: Rutherford@monkwellstrategy.com

To: Nadhmi@vision2030.gov.sa

Thank you Nadhmi, Everyone at Monkwell is thrilled by the project and our London team are all keen to be part of it. We’ve got some interesting data showing The Line will be the greenest city in the world per capita, which we will release with our new teaser slogan: “Are you ready to take your place in The Line?” Thanks for the advice on increasing our own footprint in Saudi. We are already working on some big name hires.

Best, Rutherford

Are you ready to take your place in The Line?

Find me on Strava, KoM Sydenham Hill, PR Al Jubailah/Bawdah Loop — 46 mins

WhatsApp to Stephen: You know I offered George the Riyadh job since he was always moaning about wanting to work from home. Have you heard whether he’s interested? I have to get out of here soon.

WhatsApp to George: I’m sad to hear that George. You’d have been great. But good news you feel able to come into the London office more often.

WhatsApp to Stephen: How much does Cameron want? That’s ridiculous. Can you see if Gavin Williamson is interested?

Messages recovered by Robert Shrimsley