Financial regrets? Comedian Lucy Porter’s had a few

This is an audio transcript of the Money Clinic podcast episode: ‘Financial regrets? Comedian Lucy Porter’s had a few’

Claer Barrett
Money mistakes. We all make them. But don’t feel too bad. My guest today argues that the trick is to learn from the rock-bottom moments and even laugh at them. She admits to having regrets about money, but has learned to use humour to channel them, going as far to orchestrate moments of comedic relief during calls to her bank.

Lucy Porter voice clip
I call up the bank. They want to check that I’m me. They have to say to me, you’re not going out dressed like that, are you? Then in reply I have to say you can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my real dad.

Claer Barrett
Comedian Lucy Porter is turning her many regrets about disastrous dates, professional calamities and, yes, financial errors into a new show. You can catch her at the Edinburgh Fringe in August before she embarks on a national tour this autumn. Welcome to Money Clinic, the weekly podcast about personal finance and investing from the Financial Times. I’m Claer Barrett, the FT’s consumer editor. I certainly hope today’s guest has no regrets about appearing on Money Clinic, as you’re more likely to see her on shows like Have I Got News for You, QI and Would I Lie to You? But before heading on tour with her brand new show No Regrets, the comedian, writer and quiz aficionado found time to pop in and chat to us in the FT studio. Welcome, Lucy.

Lucy Porter
I certainly have no regrets about being here. I’m delighted, if only because I was thinking my mum, sadly, no longer with us. But if she’s watching from anywhere, she will be laughing her head off at the idea of me doing an interview with the Financial Times because I’m such an idiot about that.

Claer Barrett
My mum has a good old chuckle every now and again that I actually work for the Financial Times, given away my riotous teenage years. But the question that we often like to ask our guests on Money Clinic is, what’s your earliest money memory?

Lucy Porter
Well, I remember having huge arguments about the way that I spent my money as a kid, and it set the pattern for my life, really, which was my mum saying, you don’t need that, you shouldn’t buy that. And I have a terrible sweet tooth. And I spent all my money at any opportunity on sweets. And I remember my mum saying, you will regret that. You will regret not saving that money for something you really want. And she is absolutely, 100 per cent right. And I have spent my life frittering money and then bitterly regretting it after the event.

Claer Barrett
Well, let’s move on to the world of working and earning money. Now working in comedy, you started out during the recession in the 90s, but you’ve gone on to make a huge success of your career with lots of national tours. As I said at the top of the show, appearances on TV shows and radio shows, how most of our listeners will know you.

Lucy Porter
That’s where the money is made. I’ll tell you.

Claer Barrett
Yeah, but also acting, acting on stage and on screen. Now you are a freelance. The money is lumpy. Do you ever wish that you’d chosen a profession that was more regular or more financially rewarding?

Lucy Porter
Yes, I do. Well, I’m at a weird stage in my life, so I’m 51 now.

Claer Barrett
You don’t look it, I have to say, for the record.

Lucy Porter
That’s because I’ve never worried about money. My friends who have proper jobs are sort of in one camp where they’re sort of financially stable, financially safe, but they’re like, oh, but think of all the things I didn’t do and all the opportunities that I didn’t take. And I am, on the other hand, going, I did great things and I had an amazing time. And all I have to show for it is some sort of bikinis that I could get into in the 1990s. And yeah, a lot of, a lot of happy memories. But yeah, I kind of think, I am the Ghost of Christmas Future for your younger listeners in that I’m now looking at my friends who have actual sort of proper pensions and things, and I’m like, that would be amazing because I still want to work, but obviously not as hard and you know, not as long. But I don’t regret the fun that I had and the career that I’ve made. But I wish I had been a little bit more sensible when I was young.

Claer Barrett
You once described comedy in an interview as an expensive hobby.

Lucy Porter
Yes. Oh my gosh. And it’s even worse now. Like it breaks my heart for young comedians now because at least when I was getting into it, there were fewer comedians and more opportunities with what I did, which is you have to schlep yourself all around the country on mega buses and coaches to earn £80 for playing to a room full of drunks. But I mean, it is the most fun job in the world and it is the best hobby ever. But the problem is, see now the idea of getting those mega buses and being on a coach from Edinburgh to London, leaving Edinburgh at midnight . . . 

Claer Barrett
I haven’t quite got the energy for that.

Lucy Porter
Really cannot . . . well, I mean, the toilet situation, Claer, if anything, would be enough to put me off.

Claer Barrett
Well, having regrets is something that many people may not ever admit, even to themselves, but you’re preparing to reveal lots of yours in public in your new show. So why is that?

Lucy Porter
Well, I feel that as an elder statesperson, as someone who’s reached a certain age, it’s very easy to give advice that makes you look better. I know that all your listeners are going to be people who are good with money and think about money and understand . . . 

Claer Barrett
Who want to be good with money on the count that none of us are perfect, including me.

Lucy Porter
Oh I would never . . . I am such a disaster. And I think that in lots of times in my life, I think I would have liked to hear from people who had got it wrong. The whole impetus behind me doing the show actually was because I did an interview with a journalist who asked me if I had any regrets, and I reeled off this massive list, starting with, you know, I should’ve stood up to the bullies at school, and I wish I’d gone to a different university and I well, you know, wish I bought a bigger air fryer because I didn’t realise how much I loved it. And I just went on and on and this journalist, he really laughed at me and he was like, nobody else has ever answered this question with anything other than, well, I don’t really have any regrets because everything I’ve done has led me to the place where I am now in my life. And I was like, come on, that’s not the whole truth, is it. Everybody’s got some regrets. So I just thought it might be cathartic for me and instructive for younger people and just a darn good laugh for older people who’ve been through it all and come out the other side.

Claer Barrett
Now, you said your worst habit when you were younger was spending money on sweets. How about in your teenage and 20s? What were your worst regrets then?

Lucy Porter
Well, I started doing comedy in Manchester, and I remember the first money I ever made, and the first gig I was ever going to get paid for was in Maidstone and it was miles to travel, and I didn’t know where I was going to stay when I got there. And I turned up at this gig and they were paying me £20 to do five minutes, which wouldn’t even cover my travel these days. But it just about did then. But I got on stage and this was, you know, late 90s, early 2000s, and a group of lads in the audience started singing, get your tits out, get your tits out, get your tits out. And I did not know what to do because I was very young and an inexperienced comedian. So what I decided to do was conduct them. So I stood there.

Claer Barrett
Brilliant idea.

Lucy Porter
I was just going, get your tits up for the lads, for the lads and bring up voices your over here. And anyway, so I did that and then I looked at my watch and it had been five minutes, so I just said thank you very much and goodnight, left the stage and it was the easiest £20 I’ve ever made from that day to this. So like I then started to sort of realise actually there is a bit of money to be made in this and started earning money. So over in the early 2000s. But then yeah, was just terrible with it. I mean, you know, the amount I spent on spray tans and whatnot since.

Claer Barrett
But then also with that highly unpredictable income, combined with high expenses of going to gigs to try out for things, I mean, you turned to credit cards at one point to finance things.

Lucy Porter
Yes. Well, say, because being on the TV, like I was in my 20s and I wanted to look good, when you don’t get a wardrobe allowance or, you know, there’s nobody pays for you to look good. And I, you know, I was pretty vain. And yeah, I kind of just ended up throwing money away on my career. You know, I was renting in London, but then I was staying all over the place. I was spending money on hotels. Also, every year I hosted in the festival, and that cost a fortune as a young actor, you know, again, it’s you’re setting your stall out, so you pay money to rent a venue, you pay money for publicity, you pay accommodation and all of that sort of stuff. So yes, I was just racking up loads and loads of bills and not really sort of squirrelling away the money when I had it.

Claer Barrett
And how did you pay off those debts?

Lucy Porter
Slowly and painfully really. I mean, I’m not actually a very extravagant person in my day-to-day life, so I just massively had to cut back on all my, you know, well, you notice my pallor now, the spray tan was a thing of the past. Yeah, it was. I suppose as I got older, I had less fun. I want to say, so . . .

Claer Barrett
Your expenses reduced.

Lucy Porter
Yes, I just had a wild period. But again, I mean, I, you know, all of that money, I spent it . . . 

Claer Barrett
You enjoyed it.

Lucy Porter
It was a great time. And I do look back on that time and think that I was having an absolute ball, but I should have been doing what I always encourage young comedians to do, which is making sure you get paid and don’t just do things for exposure and, oh this’ll be great for your career. And I now look back and I think, oh, what I didn’t realise was I was at the height of my powers in this, you know, that was my heyday and I should have been . . . I should have known my worth a bit more. And I think young people today are much better at that.

Claer Barrett
Well, let’s segue to the best financial decision that you think you’ve ever made. What might that be?

Lucy Porter
Oh, OK Wow.

Claer Barrett
Well, best decisions?

Lucy Porter
So much narrower a field to choose from, Claer. I, well, getting a financial adviser and getting a pension have been amazing.

Claer Barrett
And you were how old when you did those things?

Lucy Porter
Oh my God, don’t. I mean, 40, 40 years old?

Claer Barrett
40 is fine.

Lucy Porter
Well.

Claer Barrett
It’s better than 60.

Lucy Porter
Yeah. That’s true. I should have been better. And I should have bought a house. Oh, I mean, the biggest regret of my life is I see it now. There is a little terraced house in northern Manchester that I was going to buy for £20,000 in 1999.

Claer Barrett
You probably couldn’t get the front door for that now.

Lucy Porter
I wouldn’t even be able to look at it. They charge me more than that for walking up to it. But, yeah, so that is what I should have done because I didn’t end up buying a house until much later. But that was a very good decision. I think I’d always thought, you know, that call from Spielberg could come at any minute. I might be required to go to LA. And then eventually I was like, I know this is probably a good idea.

Claer Barrett
Do you think that having children and the responsibility of being a parent sort of triggered something in you? I’ve got to make better, longer-lasting money decisions.

Lucy Porter
I mean, I think it does. I always say just practically everybody tells you when you have to, like you have to make a will when you buy a house. I didn’t realise that then, and I’d never thought about making a will. And my husband and I did a very basic one, and now I feel like a sort of old matriarch in a soap opera where I’m always like, you know . . .

Claer Barrett
I’ll cut you out of my will!

Lucy Porter
I’ll cut you out of my will. You won’t get a penny from me. As if there’s going to be a this is a few novelty tea towels to distribute, but other than that, I don’t really have much.

Claer Barrett
Wow. Well, you joked . . .

Lucy Porter
This is why I’m not good with money, Claer. You’re getting the impression.

Claer Barrett
Maybe you need a, you know, a to-do list. I’ll often do a list on a Post-it note of all the things I’ve got to take for something the next day, and like, Sellotape it to the back of the front door.

Lucy Porter
This is . . . you’re very good.

Claer Barrett
So if I’m leaving, it’ll be like don’t forget sandwiches, whatever.

Lucy Porter
Yeah, No, I think I’ve got it all in my head. And it turns out that there is nothing in my head.

Claer Barrett
Yeah, I know my head is unreliable.

Lucy Porter
You know, I have to run back. If I leave the house with less than three trips back to collect things that I’ve forgotten, then I consider that a win. I’m like, if I’ve got my glasses, my purse, my keys, my phone on the first trip out of the door, I’m like, that is amazing. I’m doing well for today and winning.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Claer Barrett
Well, you joked in a previous tour that you didn’t ever think that you’d get married because you’re allergic to gold. How good is your husband with money? And did you have to change your relationship with money when you had a relationship with each other?

Lucy Porter
Yeah, he is marginally better than I am, but he sees a banjo and he’s like, you know, like an old cartoon where like a wolf sees a beautiful lady wolf and the eyes go out and . . .

Claer Barrett
The tongue rolls out.

Lucy Porter
Out. Yeah, yeah. So that’s him and banjos, and the . . . 

Claer Barrett
Banjo is expensive.

Lucy Porter
Well, they are, if you buy enough of them. Yeah. But yeah. So he also has wild fantasies, and, I mean, one of my biggest regrets is all the money that I have spent on hobbies over the years that have been incredibly shortlived.

Claer Barrett
Tell us about some of your former hobbies.

Lucy Porter
Oh, well, you could come to my garage and inspect. It’s like a museum of all my failed hobbies, because I won’t get rid of anything. So there’s every racket sport you could ever imagine. You’ve got tennis, you got badminton, you’ve got squash, any kind of craft. So I got bags and bags of wool with crochet needles. Knitting needles. I’ve got a sewing machine that is gather- . . . I could actually make something out of the layer of dust that is on that. I could just so that, every kind of gym equipment going like a resistance band.

Claer Barrett
I think lots of us have got those from lockdown.

Lucy Porter
So much. So much. Yeah. But you know, with me it’s been a life-long problem. So we also have a side of the garage that’s his. I mean, his beer mats. In fairness to him, the beer is a long-standing hobby.

Claer Barrett
That’s a good thing to collect. Yeah.

Lucy Porter
Do they hold value? Can we get a financial expert’s opinion on this? Because I feel we’ve just got a lot of cardboard cluttering up about half of our garage.

Claer Barrett
Well, at least they’re free. There is that.

Lucy Porter
Oh, not if you buy them off eBay.

Claer Barrett
Right. OK, so this is the secondary market.

Lucy Porter
Yeah, but I think he would say. Oh yeah. But they’re going to hold their value. But I mean, it’s not like gold. I don’t think it’s going to. I think in the event of a sort of civil unrest, people aren’t going to be going, but yeah, we should use beer mats as currency. That shall be the new thing.

Claer Barrett
Gold wasn’t so bad after all. If you did have a time machine, what financial decisions do you think you would make differently?

Lucy Porter
If I had a time machine, I would go back and I would sit myself down at the age of about six or seven and say, look, do you really need all these sweets? This copy of Twinkl magazine? Is it imperative that you have it right now, or could you possibly wait, and just try and re-educate myself at a fundamental level?

Claer Barrett
Now, some people say that you’re more likely to regret the things that you didn’t do versus the things that you actually did. Would you say that’s true?

Lucy Porter
I think you can regret everything. I think there’s absolutely no barrier to being regretful about the things you did and things you didn’t do. The things that I did, I mostly can justify, but the things that I didn’t do, I think, well, that was just laziness or fear, and I wish I hadn’t been lazy or afraid.

Claer Barrett
Lazy and afraid, one way of looking at this, but how does regret tie in with different emotions like guilt and shame?

Lucy Porter
Yeah, well, I was raised in the Catholic faith, which is, has many amazing things going for it, but I feel a degree of shame attached to my regret that is probably unnecessary. And that’s something that I think I’ve tried to rid myself of this thing. Well, it’s not because I’m a bad person that I did bad things. It’s just because I made a bad choice. And we all make bad choices sometimes.

Claer Barrett
So many times people say, until I listen to that episode about whatever it was, I thought it was just me that had this problem with this particular aspect of finance. And often it’s confidence. Often it’s thinking that everybody else has somehow been touched with this magic wand of financial literacy that somehow missed you out. And that you’re a bit silly. You don’t know what you’re doing. This real imposter syndrome feeling that women especially can have about finances.

Lucy Porter
Even people I talk to who are in finance professionally, who have sort of areas that they don’t understand, or there’s just . . . we all have blind spots in our careers, in our lives anyway. And there are certain things I can’t write poetry.

Claer Barrett
I’m staggered.

Lucy Porter
It’s a shocking revelation. You heard it here first. But yeah, I know, that’s why I love reading, you know, your advice. And I am a sponge. And I do soak up financial advice.

Claer Barrett
Well, I’m glad to hear that. And I try and make it in a slightly more palatable form to soak up, to inspire people to then go off and do their own research and realise that actually it’s not as intimidating or anxiety-inducing as they might first have thought.

Lucy Porter
Oh yeah. Well, I mean, because my first instinct to firing up my laptop and it’s anything financial or admin, I’m just like, look away and do something nice. Go look at a picture of a cat or something.

Claer Barrett
I used to be like that with post, with bills, especially those little brown envelopes from HMRC, and now I just open them before I’ve even got my coat off. I’ll open it. Think, right what is it? Oh wait, put it under the fruit bowl and think I might tackle that one when I’m feeling mentally stronger.

Lucy Porter
Oh no, well, I mean in the dark times, I remember having the high-level grill if anyone came round and said, oh, can I do myself some cheese and toast? I was like, no, you can’t, because that is the filing cabinet of all the unopened things that I can’t bear to deal with.

Claer Barrett
In the oven?

Lucy Porter
Yeah, well, because I thought, I’ve just got to put them somewhere that I can’t see them in my building and I very rarely grill anything. So, yeah, that was my that was my go-to place. And then one day, one of my friends who just sort of realised I was really struggling, sat me down and said, right, we’re going to, we’re going to dust the crumbs off this and this sort of the bacon grease and have a look through. And of course, yeah, it was not as . . . it was not as horrific as I had thought. But yeah, there’s just that anxiety of seeing numbers, especially when it’s numbers that you owe.

Claer Barrett
Minus figures. Oh yeah. Yeah it is but better, better to be aware as you say. Now, it’s not a book club, this podcast. But I have to say, I’ve been reading this book recently, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, which is written by an Australian palliative care nurse called Bronnie Ware, and I don’t know if this is something that you’ve ever come across.

Lucy Porter
No, but I am dying to read it.

Claer Barrett
Maybe it will come as a comfort to you that some of the people that Bronnie talks about in her book also had very deep regrets about spending too much time at work, in the office, away from their families, not having fun.

Lucy Porter
Yes. I mean, I may have taken that slightly to an extreme, though, Claer. That’s just the problem. We all absorb this message of, you know, nobody ever regrets not spending enough time in the office or, but yeah, I think I’ve always, I’ve never had a problem with that side of the message with the have fun bit. But yeah, it’s very difficult, isn’t it, because you sort of when you’re stressed and unhappy, you spend more money to compensate for that, and then you have to earn more money because then you’re skint. And you can get into that sort of vicious circle.

Claer Barrett
But then looking back at the end of your life, things that you might define as a financial success might not be the things that have given you the happiest memories.

Lucy Porter
No, I mean no. And actually, when I was at my earning peak, I suppose, in terms of TV and stuff like that, yeah I was quite unhappy personally. And I do look back and I think that’s a shame that that successful person was not actually living her best life and was spending money to try and compensate for the kind of unhappiness within. Whereas now I kind of think of, yeah, you know, got to bounce a little bit more.

Claer Barrett
Before we let you go, have you got any money-saving tips, Lucy, that you would like to share with the listeners of our podcast?

Lucy Porter
Well, if you get yourself down to the (inaudible) charity shop in Eastcote, you will find some bargains to be had from my garage.

Claer Barrett
Fancy starting a new hobby.

Lucy Porter
So if you want a xylophone or yes, any sort of hobby equipment that you want, you will find it there. And I would say, get yourself a good financial adviser. If you’re someone who likes to spend, you need someone to put the brakes on it. And if you’re someone who is very cautious of money, make sure you get a partner who encourages you to . . . 

Claer Barrett
To live a little.

Lucy Porter
To live a little bit. Exactly. And you never regret spending money on treating your friends to things, I think. And I always think, save your money for travel because of all the things that I have done and especially with the family, I think, you know, you never regret a holiday, even if it’s terrible at the time, then it’s good material later on.

Claer Barrett
Well, that’s all we have time for today. But thank you, Lucy, for sharing your regrets and your successes so openly on Money Clinic, and we can’t wait to see your new show, No Regrets. It kicks off in Edinburgh at the Fringe and runs across the country throughout the autumn. We’ve dropped a link to get a ticket in the show notes. And if you can’t make it to a show, don’t forget you can catch Lucy on her podcast, Fingers on Buzzers.

Lucy Porter
And that’s free. So there’s nothing, nothing more money-saving than a podcast.

Claer Barrett
That’s it for Money Clinic this week with me, Claer Barrett. And we hope you found this episode useful. If you did, spread the word and leave us a review. We’re always looking to chat with people about their money issues for the show, so if you’re interested in being part of a future episode and are looking for some expert advice, then do email us, Our address is money@ft.com. You can also follow me on Instagram and TikTok. I’m @ClaerB and Lucy is . . . 

Lucy Porter
@lucyportercomic.

Claer Barrett
Money Clinic was produced by Tamara Kormornick. The sound design was by Breen Turner and our editor is Manuela Saragosa. You heard original tunes this week by Metaphor Music, and Cheryl Brumley is the FT’s global head of audio. And finally, our usual disclaimer: the Money Clinic podcast is a general discussion around financial topics and does not constitute an investment recommendation or individual financial advice. For that, you’ll need to find an independent financial adviser, although whether they can tell you about the value of second-hand beer mats remains to be seen. We’ll be back here next week. Goodbye.

Lucy Porter
Bye.